


Calliope and the Final Update

by ASBusinessMagnet



Series: Calliope's Update Girl [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: End of Homestuck, Gen, Gigaupd8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-01-11 12:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/pseuds/ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CALLIOPE'S UPDATE GIRL - ADDITIONAL READING MATERIAL: CALLIOPE AND THE FINAL UPDATE ==></p><p>Andrew Hussie, nearing the first anniversary of the Gigapause, has decided to allow five lucky teenagers and their guardians to watch the final update of Homestuck before anyone else. Needless to say, given Andrew Hussie is Andrew Hussie, he decides to do a few things his own way. Originally supposed to be a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory parody, instead had devolved into me writing the text of the Gigaupd8 myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Initial Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: I actually had the idea for this story after beginning [Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer](http://fanfiction.net/s/9657787/1/), thinking the two stories would definitely mark my returning to my very first fandom, but thought that the result would be worthless. Then, months later, I put on binaural beats, hoping to finish Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer in a breeze and finally be able to announce MarrissaTheWriter Complete Anthology, but instead an old idea came to me and I began writing it instead. (Hey, it's actually quite difficult to write about how you yourself become a giant blueberry. Roald Dahl's novel wasn't anything like this:
> 
> Dahl: Lalala, minding my own business in England.
> 
> Stranger: Hey, you should try this chewing gum!
> 
> Dahl: I'd rather I didn't, chewing gum is terrible and I've been meaning to write a novel with a moral like-
> 
> Stranger: *stuffs chewing gum into Dahl's mouth, casually leaves*
> 
> Dahl: It's actually quite good!
> 
> *10 minutes later*
> 
> Blueberry Dahl: Crap, I forgot to invent Wonka's factory.
> 
> Instead, it was like this:
> 
> Dahl: *turns time back, invents Wonka's factory, makes the stranger into an Oompa-Loompa*
> 
> Wonka: Lalala, my awesome factory. Hey, I made this chewing gum!
> 
> Stranger: No, you didn't.
> 
> Violet: Chewing gum?
> 
> Wonka: I'd rather you didn't, it's still not finished and it wouldn't be good for your-
> 
> Violet: *swipes the chewing gum, stuffs it in her mouth*
> 
> Stranger: *facepalm*
> 
> Violet: It's actually quite good!
> 
> *10 minutes later*
> 
> Blueberry Violet: Heeeeeelp!
> 
> Dahl: Now only to invent a reversal procedure...
> 
> Stranger: I swear, I'll get back to you, Dahl. Some day you will become a blueberry yourself. *goes back in time, cycle repeats again*
> 
> So I hope you understand me.)
> 
> Without further ado, here's the story that I once thought was a terrible idea.

"One year," Andrew Hussie thought as he looked at his wristwatch.

The date was October 16, 2014, and, true to his thoughts, the Gigapause, supposed to encompass the time when he would work on the final update of Homestuck, had been on a roll for a single complete revolution of the Earth around the Sun. Even now, the final arrow and the final closing curtain seemed so far away from reality, but now, as the unreleased pages started piling up, hundred after hundred, thousand after thousand, the almighty creator of Homestuck knew that the final update would be even more distant from the fandom, some quitting Homestuck because a) they thought that the final update was too long, b) they couldn't bring themselves to read the final update because of the feels, c) they couldn't bring themselves to be patient enough to wait through the Gigapause in the first place, or even d) all of the above.

As such, the final update, even in this time, was the last thing on his mind. In fact, he was nowhere near his study where he worked on Homestuck. Instead, he was heading to the HQ of the Topato Corporation, or TopatoCo for short, to talk with the CEO of the company, Jeffrey Rowland. Hussie was convinced that more merchandise was the only way to keep Homestuck fans satisfied without releasing the update or the game...

...he thought just as a speeding car was about to hit him at 100 mph.

Though, Andrew Hussie wouldn't be Andrew Hussie without his authorial powers. He simply lifted the car from ground up and watched as it flew over him and the town of Easthampton, Massachusetts to land god knows where. At this point, Hussie didn't even care. He actually managed to cheat himself from being killed by Lord English with his authorial powers, so while he looked like a ghost with spooky eyes, everyone who knew him was okay with it.

Of course, everyone who didn't know him immediately recognized him.  _I really need sunglasses,_  Andrew Hussie thought as the warmth of the building of the HQ finally enveloped him.

* * *

"Take a seat, please," Jeffrey said, putting away all the Welcome to Night Vale posters and giving Hussie a place to sit comfortably, as if it was a stereotypical psychotherapy session.

"So, what brings you here?" Jeffrey said, sitting on the Night Vale posters in questions. Months later, a puzzled Night Vale fan would wonder why his Hiram McDaniels campaign poster smelled of human feces, and maybe reconsider it and begin campaigning for the Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in Your Home(stuck) instead, but Jeffrey didn't really care. That wouldn't stop the hypothetical fan from buying the poster, and replacements were only a minor thing.

"I've been thinking," Hussie began in a stern, cold way, just as Homestuck was written. "If I post the update now, I crash the Internet, right?"

"Hmm?" Jeffrey asked, not being a fan of Homestuck himself and not knowing all the details of the webcomic and its fandom.

"I had to upload this flash, Cascade. My server couldn't take the load, so I talked with Newgrounds about that. Then the dreaded day came. Newgrounds: bam! Megaupload: bam! Livestream websites: bam! Tumblr: bam! Bam, bam, bam! Websites going down everywhere!"

"Uh-huh."

"No. If I upload this update, which is uncomparably larger, I have to bypass the internet entirely, lest the headlines read:  _Internet Destroyed, World in Chaos, Eyewitnesses Blame a Webcomic Author._  Say, the Homestuck fandom is... My website receives 5 million visits a day. So instead of 5 million people trying to watch the update, how about... five. Just five teenagers and five feel-ridden moments as the update unravels on my own computer."

"You'll still have to show the update to everyone. I mean, those five will spread the word."

"And? No one will believe them. People are already making a fake series of updates. Those five, even if they spread the word, will have to keep the secret."

"That is, unless they show photos which clearly show they were with you in your room."

Hussie's nonexistent pupils widened. "Perfect. So everyone looks at those photos and their update, and while everyone watches that update, I upload the real update. Internet: saved, Homestuck: done. Now, there's only one question: how am I going to pick the lucky five? Do I have to run a raffle on Tumblr or-"

"You know, I met a great man once. Maybe a few months ago. His name was Andrew Hussie, and he always said: "When in doubt, merchandise.""

"Took the word right out of my mouth. Just remind me to kill this Hussie guy once I'm done with Homestuck."

"Er, don't you have this adventure game?"

"Nah, the company's got it down, they can write in my style without me. Anyway, let's get going."

* * *

**Another contest, this time of pure luck**  
_Posted on 17 Oct 2014 by Andrew_

So, you know me. How I made this webcomic called Homestuck, and how it attracted a fandom across the world. How, upon the upload of Cascade, we crashed half the internet. How the fandom, wanting to cosplay, invaded anime cons, and after they kicked them out, our fandom literally made Homestuck: The Anime. You know that one year ago today I announced the Gigapause, claiming that everything else will be done in one piece. (One year? Really? So much for me actually having authorial powers in real life.)

Here's the thing: The update is nearly done. I just have to edit it to make it flow, but every plot twist I planned is there, and yes. The ending. That one which I had planned from before page 1.

Here's another thing: I'm not going to upload it right now. I mean, one year worth of Gigapause. Hell, yesterday the servers nearly crashed from you F5ing the page really hard. And also, we're dealing with something much larger than Cascade. We're dealing with something larger than the entirety of Act 5 Act 2.

Instead, I have decided this: Five lucky teens from across the world have to win the opportunity to watch the update, in my home. To facilitate this, I have hidden five Sburb discs inside my Homestuck merchandise. These discs can be anywhere: Homestuck books, scalemate plushies, troll shirts, vinyl figures, lunch boxes, along with a Sufferer pendant, really anywhere, both on TopatoCo and What Pumpkin stores. (I deliberately had six items in that list to fuck with you.)

What's this, WeLoveFine? You sad that you won't be getting Sburb discs? Well, fuck you. This comes both from me and from the fandom. They actually thought your contest was fake, and besides, THIS contest idea is much better.

Back to you, fandom. Go buy Homestuck stuff. Bye.

_This has been a public service announcement by Andrew Hussie._

* * *

The Homestuck fandom was in shock.

The MS Paint Adventures news update had travelled to every place with Homestucks. The MSPA Forums, Tumblr, 4chan, deviantART, even the long-forgotten Pesterchum app were rife with discussions about this news update. Everywhere, people were rushing to buy Homestuck merchandise, only to find that the TopatoCo, What Pumpkin  _and_  WeLoveFine sites had crashed.

Even when, after an hour, the dust had cleared, the curious onlookers had only found a message saying "Out of Stock" on every single piece of Homestuck merchandise.

That meant two things for Hussie and Rowland: since all five Sburb discs were in this batch, they all were making it towards their destinations, and the Homestuck fandom, after a whole year of not getting updates, was back on its feet and ready to hear from the five lucky teenagers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: As never, read and review. Thanks.


	2. Homestuck Riot

**[LIVE] INTERNET (AND THE WORLD) TAKES ANOTHER HICCUP, THIS TIME EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S THE WORST FANDOM EVER**

EASTHAMPTON, MASSACHUSETTS - October 18, 2014, 09:00 PM - Jeffrey Rowland, the author of various webcomics and the founder and CEO of TopatoCo, has been reporting crowds of horned people wanting to get into the HQ of TopatoCo. He writes to us: "It's Andrew Hussie. He decided that five lucky people should get the opportunity to watch the latest update with him, and sent the Homestucks into a riot."

The horned people, all appearing to be cosplayers of the webcomic Homestuck, were unable to be reached for comment, seeing as all of them were very angry and were willing to fly from the most distant corners of the world - flights full of cosplayers were reported to take off from 180 different countries - to take the matter into their own hands and get the golden ticket themselves.

09:01 - We just received another email from Rowland. "Correction: It's the Sburb discs. Wait, what were the Golden Tickets from? I feel an odd sense of familiarity."

09:05 - Local police have arrived on the scene. They began spraying the crowd with pepperspray, but quickly ran out of it, at which point they discovered they could simply spray with water. Water tends to wash off the facepaint and the hornpaint, which completely ruins a typical Homestuck cosplay and sends a Homestuck fan to tears.

09:07 - Representatives from My Little Pony, Supernatural, Sherlock, Doctor Who, Avengers, Welcome to Night Vale and at least a dozen other fandoms have gathered together in the newest Tumblr blog, "Fuck No Homestuck Contest". They are petitioning to redefine the word "fandom" to exclude the Homestucks entirely. Their inauguration post, despite being seconds old, has already gathered 130 notes.

09:08 - 3792 notes.

09:09 - 174,102 notes.

09:10 - So many notes that Tumblr can't even count them.

09:10 - Tumblr Staff report that their website has crashed due to this newfound blog. They themselves are ordering a flight to Andrew Hussie's home to explain this insanity, and charge him with property destruction.

09:11 - While large portions of the Homestucks have been reduced to tears and brought away, few thousand resistent are still blocking the truck passageway, the front entrance and major roads in Easthampton. Locals have already gotten out and begun taking the matter with their own hands with electrical appliances.

09:13 - Police has begun landing helicopters on TopatoCo HQ. They are currently being loaded with Homestuck merchandise, ready to fly to its legal owners and reveal to us who the five lucky winners are.

09:15 - Homestucks are largely gone. Most eyewitnesses point towards an incident when a Jake English cosplayer shot a helicopter, igniting its fuel tank and sending it crashing towards the crowd. Four people are reported dead and thirteen injured.

09:16 - Jeffrey Rowland sent us another clarifying email. "Each Sburb disc has GPS trackers, and none of them were in the crashed helicopter. I am nothing if not prepared. Same goes for Hussie. Also, thank god the entrances are now free. Let the trucks roam."

09:18 - With Tumblr crashed, the Fandom Representatives, as they are calling themselves, have created a petition on whitehouse. gov with the same intent as their Tumblr blog.

09:19 - The petition has already reached the required limit of 100,000 signatures and the count doesn't show signs of stopping.

09:20 - The whitehouse. gov website has crashed.

09:21 - The Obama administration has this to say: "The Internet is our national product which has brought communication closer to us. We cannot let it be brought down by a mere subculture which thinks it's bigger than it really is. Andrew Hussie, right now, is being detained, and we will allow none of his plans to be set in motion, as a plea of national security."

09:23 - All helicopters hosting the Sburb discs have been landed short of their destinations in unpopulated places, to ensure safety and non-possibility of delivering.

09:25 - We received another note from Andrew Hussie: "You freaks, all people want to know is how Homestuck will end. You are not going to detain me." Eyewitnesses report Hussie using "authorial powers" (whatever those are) to blow all the officers, also in the state of Massachusetts, away.

09:26 - The helicopters are back in motion and carrying the Sburb discs, Jeffrey reports.

09:29 - President Obama has attempted to make another announcement regarding Hussie, but the video editing appears to have corrupted the announcement. Everything Obama says is written in Comic Sans, the colors are diluted and there is audio interference.

09:31 - In a lack of Tumblr, the remaining Homestucks on Easthampton, now with no intention to fight for the Golden Tickets, have been seen exchanging smartphones and repeating "Barack Obana" to each others. They are also exchanging other memes specific to Homestuck, such a

09:32 - Another email from Rowland: "Sburb discs. Get it right."

09:37 - Travelling at supersonic speeds due to unexplained phenomena, the first Sburb disc has finally reached its destination in Maple Valley, Washington. The lucky winner's name is John Egbert, and during the time of the report, he was seen eating a cake.

09:39 - John has finally been called for interview, after nearly getting a heart attack at the sight of a white-and-green disc. He is too shocked to say a word.

09:40 - Homestucks at Easthampton once again are exchanging smartphones, gathering in little groups and being in awe at the fact that there is an actual John Egbert cosplayer named John Egbert. They say that the delivery is fake and the entirety of the Sburb disc contest was inscenized.

09:41 - Andrew Hussie has confirmed this. His site has finally recovered from the crash, and shows that there was no news update announcing the contest after all.

09:43 - The Obama administration has issued another message, apologizing for mis-believing Andrew Hussie to have the potential to destroy the Internet.

09:46 - Another email from Rowland: "Found myself on the outside, with a very strange night view of horned people outside exchanging smartphones... did I cause this?"

09:49 - Tumblr website is back up. However, the newly founded blog is now missing.

09:50 - Homestucks at Easthampton have begun parting, instead refreshing the pages of Tumblr all by themselves, just as usually as the internet is going.

09:54 - Reports still fly about supersonic helicopters. Tumblr is still rife with people suspecting something was deeply wrong, what with many Homestuck fans finding themselves in Easthampton.

09:59 - The last supersonic helicopter has stopped. No one claims knowledge of the phenomenon anymore.

10:00 - Well, that was a strange hour. We'd better get on reporting more important stuff, like Justin Bieber's trial.


	3. First Impressions

**All winners of the contest clear  
** _Posted on 19 Oct 2014 by Andrew_

In order of delivery:

1. John Egbert - Maple Valley, Washington - going with his grandmother  
2. Jade Harley - the Pacific Ocean - going with her grandfather  
3. Rose Lalonde - Rainbow Falls, New York - going with her mother  
4. Dave Strider - Austin, Texas - going with his brother  
5. Calliope - Liberty Island, New Jersey - going with her brother

Click on the names for sweet interviews and stuff.

If you have no idea what contest I'm talking about, then very well fuck you. If you're one of the Fandom Representatives thinking Homestuck should not be a fandom, fuck you as well. In fact, fuck everyone except the five lucky winners. Now please let me off the Internet entirely while I watch the final update with them.

_This has been a parting message by Andrew Hussie._

* * *

Calliope was staring at the screen. She refreshed the page, only to see that the MS Paint Adventures website was down. Her brother, Caliborn, was staring at the screen as well.

"FuuuuuuuuCK NO. WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE." He said, leaving Calliope shocked. She was only one of five - let's say ten because the guardians count too - people who were going to see the Homestuck update and she wouldn't be given the chance because of her family?

"IN FACT. WE'RE BETTER OFF SIMPLY SELLING THE DISC. AND THEN FORGETTING HOMESTuCK EVER EXISTED."

Calliope stared at Caliborn, still shocked. She kept staring, until she felt the Statue of Liberty being lifted by an inch, then halting. She quickly headed to the statue - Caliborn chasing her and wanting to stop her - and once both were inside the statue, it rose higher and began floating. Beneath them, Calliope, Caliborn and several dozen terrified tourists saw the New York City beneath them, which then was replaced by green pastures. Still holding the disc, Calliope saw tourists falling off the severed statue.

This strange flight lasted for hours until Calliope couldn't hold it anymore. Just as she thought she was going to crash and die, something slowed her down and she landed safely. As Caliborn repeated after her, the Statue of Liberty was now being flown back to its proper place. Hussie could never shatter the Statue of Liberty to pieces. That's not how the general rule works.

Calliope looked around. She saw eight other people, all discussing the strange things that happened to them in the last days and onlookers believing they are Homestuck cosplayers, and beginning to cosplay themselves. The eight arrivees were different, though, because they all had the Sburb discs with them, and shared similarly fantastical arrival scenes. Surely enough, there was John Egbert, biting on a cake while his grandmother was praising Betty Crocker in her mind. There was Jade Harley, wishing the day would come sooner, while her grandfather kept aiming at the moon. There was Rose Lalonde, almost biting into her scarf, while her mother took a martini. And finally, there was Dave Strider, who regarded the enivronment with a "meh whatever" posture, while his brother was rocketboarding across the sky.

And finally, one more person came. From the Waste of Space outfit and the blank eyes ("I really have to begin wearing sunglasses."), everyone recognized him as Andrew Hussie. Hussie made the universal "hi" gesture and said to the ten non-cosplayers: "Anyway, here's a brief tour. This is my hometown, which is rife with Homestucks that won't leave me alone. The end." He said and rushed back to his house, the ten lucky people following and the army of cosplayers streaming behind.

The cosplayers appeared fast, but everyone had forgotten that Hussie had authorial powers on his hand. Before the winners could even think, they were safely locked inside Hussie's house, and once they sat on to rest, they saw the view on the windows change. Massachusetts was long behind them as the house streamed past the land border and into the Atlantic, before stopping and beginning to float. "Can never be sure that I'm safe." Hussie said, looking at the ten arrivees, and said "Well, let's introduce ourselves. I'm Andrew Hussie, I made Homestuck and everything revolves around me."

"Egocentrical." Rose finally said, dropping the first comment to Hussie, who in return said "I never should have made you so talkative."

Next up was Rose's mother. "no wayyz ma dotter is the best evas" she attempted to say, when Hussie snapped and said "Look, you all are failures to some extent. If you weren't failures you would be me, and that's impossible."

This was a deep insult to Calliope. She always assumed she was the perfect medium between all human emotions. Her brother also thought that he was perfection, causing many rivalries between the two, but they decided to remain silent.

"Oh, sweet John, of course Hussie is joking." John's grandmother inserted another response, leading Hussie to retort with:

"Am not."

"You haven't seen life in all its glory, you can't be serious."

"Nope."

"look, nanna, some people aren't to be argued with. they're like movies. you just have to watch them and roll with it. for 2 hours." John explained. Hussie felt a bit relieved but had to watch Dave join in on the conversation.

"yeah / 2 hours of shit / 2 hours of matthew macconahey thrashing around / except the guy says itll be longer than a5a2 so its definitely more than 2 hours / you know what im leaving" Dave thus stood up and looked for the exit, only to find out it opened to an ocean. "dammit i forgot / this is an immersion course / reading about a waterworld WHILE in a waterworld" Dave continued ranting, returning to the group.

"aww dave dont get sad" Jade said, dropping in her two cents. "itll be okay / well get to defeat the evil sburb after all!" "do you mean we / or clones of us who have the same names but just arent us" Dave responded. It was clear that he could not be cheered up.

"It doesn't really matter." Dave's brother joined in, only to be followed by Jade's grandfather. "Damn right you are bro."

"Alright then, it doesn't matter. Oh, and here's that horse painting. Just so you know I'm me. Well, how about we get started." Hussie finished and turned on his computer screen. The view was familiar to all Homestuck fans - the Condesce staring from her spaceship at a gathering in LOFAF, as shitty curtains descend upon them, closing Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 2.

But, as promised, one detail was deliberately off. Beneath the shitty curtain now there was another link.

_> ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 3_

Hussie dimmed the lights, closed the curtains, moved the cursor and clicked on the link to the one and final update of Homestuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: This time, have something to sing along to.
> 
> HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO HOO
> 
> Andrew Hussie, Andrew Hussie, the webcomic pioneer (Hey!)  
> Andrew Hussie, Andrew Hussie, everybody give a cheer (Hooray!)  
> He's crazy, clever and so cool  
> He barely can constrain it  
> With so much updates on his hand  
> World Wide Web just can't contain it  
> Can't contain it  
> Can't contain, can't contain, can't contain
> 
> HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO HOO
> 
> Andrew Hussie, Andrew Hussie, he's a genius of a time to come  
> Andrew Hussie, Andrew Hussie, greatest work of his is nearly done  
> A magician and a medium whiz  
> The best darn guy who ever lived  
> And the update, here it is! (The games will never stop, the games will never stop!)


	4. Homosuck Again 1

" _ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 3._ " Caliborn read. He had never read Homestuck, but every little tidbit of the experience made him hate it more and more.

"Why did you stop?" Hussie asked, encouragingly.

"WHAT."

"You're the character who narrates this part. I'm game with you reading."

"WHAT DO YOu MEAN."

"You're a character in Homestuck."

"THIS IS." Caliborn once again hesitated, but quickly came back to his senses. "I WOuLD HAVE LEFT. LIKE THE DARK SPECTACLED MAN. WERE IT NOT FOR THE FACT. THAT YOu LITERALLY TRAPPED uS. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN."

"It's not really about trapping you in, though. It's about keeping the other Homestuck fans out."

"WELL. HOW ABOuT. THE MIDDLE OF TuNDRA. PEOPLE CAN'T FIND IT. BuT AT LEAST WE CAN GO OuT."

"That seems unseemly. After all, the centralized heating is now not working."

"THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT."

"No air conditioning, and no bottled water."

"THE MIDDLE OF A FOREIGN COuNTRY."

"Homestuck is more popular than you think. People would still find out."

"uGH. THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST?"

"You would lose track of the house once you were ten meters in, out of the house."

"WHAT. YOu LITERALLY MAKE LESS SENSE. THAN MY SISTER."

Hussie remained silent, but Calliope joined instead. "that was rUde! i make perfect sense!"

"SHuT uP."

"So, Caliborn?"

"WHAT. WEBCOMIC MAN."

"Andrew Hussie."

"ANDREW HuSSIE. WHAT DO YOu WANT FROM ME."

"Read the update."

"ALRIGHT. BuT ONLY BECAuSE THE ALTERNATIVE. IS ARGuING WITH EVERYONE. WHILE YOu ARE CONVINCED. TO KEEP uS TRAPPED IN."

"You're not trapped in. I repeat, it's the other Homestuck fans who are locked out."

"WHATEVER. ALRIGHT." Caliborn coughed a few times, then began reading.

" _WELCOME BACK TO HOMOSuCK._ "

Caliborn once again hesitated, as if to insert a comment.

"HuH. HOMOSuCK. I THINK I LIKE IT."

"because you're a misogynist who doesn't know better than to make "BITCHES" worthless?" John inquired.

"OR MAYBE. YOu'RE A POOPLORD. WHO DOESN'T KNOW BETTER. THAN TO EAT CAKE ALL DAY LONG."

"it's not me! it's nanna. ask her."

"Betty Crocker indeed helps us bond together!" John's grandmother said, while taking a sit closer to Rose's mother.

"WHAT. THAT IS." Caliborn hesitated once again. NEVERMIND. BACK TO. "HOMOSuCK.""

_I ASSuME. THAT YOu DID CLICK THROuGH. RATHER THAN DEALING. WITH ALL THE TERRIBLE SHIT._

_IN THE OTHER VERSION. THE ORIGINAL AuTHOR WOuLD KEEP WONDERING. DID YOu CLICK THAT LINK. OR THE OTHER LINK. AND BE CAuGHT. IN A WORTHLESS METAPHOR._

_THuS. I JuST ASSuME. THAT LIKE ME. YOu DON'T BOTHER. WITH THE ORIGINAL AuTHOR. WHO ACTuALLY IS DEAD._

_> ANYWAY._

THAT'S IT?"

"What, you never read Homestuck?"

"I'M JuST ASKING. IS THIS ALL YOu BROuGHT uS HERE FOR."

"No, just click on the next page."

"WHAT. CAN'T YOu HAVE LIKE. ALL THE TEXT ON ONE PAGE. ONLY ONE."

"Why, indeed I can." Since this was literally the MS Paint Adventures website, except hosted offline, Hussie just clicked "Search" (or, as alternate Caliborn had dubbed it, "BORING."). Below that there were seven links, four for Homestuck (Acts 1-4, Act 5, Act 6 Acts 1-5, Act 6 Act 6 and Act 7) and three for each other adventure. Thus, he clicked the Act 6 Act 6 and Act 7 link and quickly searched for "Act 6 Act 6 Act 3".

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT."

"Well, it's all the text in one page."

"WHERE ARE THE IMAGES AT."

Hussie was in silence. Others remained silent too, seeing as they all knew Caliborn didn't really get Homestuck.

"SO THE ALTERNATIVES ARE. HAVE ONE BIG PAGE. BuT NO IMAGES. AND HAVE THE IMAGES. BuT HAVE TO CLICK THROuGH. IT'S LIKE. PICK YOuR POISON."

"These aren't supposed to be alternatives numbnuts. They just give you a quick way to search through."

"WHATEVER. I THINK WE AGREED. YOu MAKE NO SENSE. NOW LET'S READ. THE NEXT PAGE.

_ANYWAY._

_THE STORY NOW CuTS. TO A SO-CALLED. "INTERMISSION."_

_NORMALLY. THE STRuCTURE OF THE STORY. IS ALREADY HORRIBLE. WHAT WITH ALL THE ACT ACT ACTS._

_BuT THEN. THE STORY ALSO INTRODuCES INTERMISSIONS. WHICH AREN'T AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ACTS. JuST A DIFFERENT NAME. FOR THE SAME HORSESHIT. TO MAKE IT MORE CONFuSING. AND FOR NO OTHER REASON AT ALL._

_> EXCEPT THIS INTERMISSION._"

Click.

" _THIS INTERMISSION. WANTS YOu TO BELIEVE. THAT IT'S COMPLETELY SEPARATE. AND NEEDS TO BE SKIPPED._ "

"man dont mess with intermissions / its like / the number 1 rule of homestuck / dont skip the intermissions" Dave interrupted, leaving Caliborn with a funny expression.

"HOW MANY RuLES. DOES THIS HOMOSuCK HAVE."

"homestuck"

"NO ONE CARES."

"well / read everything / all the pesterlogs / all the intermissions / all the content inside books / you get it / then / everything is a macguffin / every single detail in every single page becomes relevant"

"THOSE ARE STuPID RuLES. I MEAN. YOu COuLD HAVE. JuST THE IMPORTANT STuFF. BuT NO. IT KEEPS DEVOLVING INTO TANGENTS."

"Tangents are my favorite." whispered Hussie under his breath. Caliborn thus continued.

" _BuT NO. IT BECOMES RELEVANT LATER. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. MAKING ENTIRETY OF THE STORY. A SINGLE CLuSTERFuCK. THAT NO ONE CAN uNDERSTAND._

_AT ANY RATE._

_> INTERMISSION._

_YOu ARE A MOBSTER. AS PER THE PREMISE. YOu HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MAIN CHARACTERS._

_OR SO IT SEEMS._

_LATER IT WILL BE REVEALED. THAT YOu ARE IMPORTANT. BEING A CONSTRuCT. OF THIS GAME. EXILED TO AN ALIEN PLANET. THAT IS ALSO RELEVANT. MAKING THE STORY. AN AFOREMENTIONED CLuSTERFuCK._

_THOuGH. YOu ARE NOT ALONE. YOu HAVE YOuR TEAM OF MOBSTERS. WHO ALL DRESS SHITTILY. WITHOuT REALIZING THAT. BLACK IS NOT A CREATIVE COLOR._

_YOu ALSO HAVE. THIS RIVALING GANG. THAT IS LED. BY "LORD ENGLISH". WHO APPEARS TO BE. HYPER COOL. uNIVERSE DEMOLISHING ME._

_YOu KNOW WHAT. I'LL ACCEPT IT. I WANT YOu DEAD. YOu DISGRACE TO THE STORY._

_YOuR GOAL. IS TO KILL ALL OF THE RIVALING GANG. BECAuSE OF SOME INCIDENT. THAT._

_LOOK._

_TWO GANGS DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A REASON. TO FIGHT EACH OTHER. THAT IS JuST WHAT YOu DO. WHEN YOu HAVE TWO GANGS._

_BACK TO THE STORY._

_YOuR GOAL. IS TO KILL ALL OF THE RIVALING GANG. BECAuSE. THAT'S JuST THE WAY GANGS WORK._

LISTEN. IS THIS HOMOSuCK. RIVALING GANGS."

"told you / rule 1 / dont skip the intermission"

"Why don't you just fill Caliborn in?" Rose asked, hoping that the male cherub could be calmed down.

"nah"

"Please."

"alright miss smartypants / here goes / there are two gangs"

"I KNOW THIS SHIT."

"see rose / casshole doesnt want to know"

"CALIBORN."

"whatever"

"ANYWAY. YOu KEEP INTERRuPTING ME. DON'T YOu WANT. TO BE DONE WITH THIS. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

"no! / homestuck is exciting / you just have to accept it for what it is!" Jade pointed out.

"ER. WE ARE NOT HOMOSuCKING RIGHT NOW. WE ARE POINTLESSLY ARGuING."

"Well then right o comrade." Jade's grandfather commanded.

" _YOu WILL BE SATISFIED. ONLY WHEN THE BLOOD OF THE RIVALING GANG. DRIPS BENEATH YOuR FEET. AS YOu WALK OuT. OF THE EXPLODING MANSION._

_> MOBSTER: REGARD CLOCKS._

_IT JuST SO HAPPENS. THAT THE RIVALING GANG'S THEME. IS TIME._

_AND YOu HATE TIME._

_YOu PROCEED TO DESTROY THE CLOCKS. AS BRuTALLY AS POSSIBLE._

_IT IS OFFSCREEN THOuGH. WE'RE NOT HAVING CLOSEuPS. OF CLOCKS WITH MuTILATED FACES._

_> MOBSTER: BE INTERRuPTED._

_YOu ARE INTERRuPTED. BY THE RIVALING GANG MEMBER._

_TuRNS OuT. HIS POWER IS. BEING SLOW._

_I'M NOT KIDDING YOu. THAT'S WHAT COMPuTER GuY TOLD ME. LET THAT SINK IN._

_HIS POWER._

_IS BEING._

_SLOW._

_WAITING. FOR YOu TO GATHER IT._

_GOT IT?_

_OKAY._

_> MOBSTER: KILL HIM._

_KILLING THE RIVALING GANG MEMBER. PROVES TO BE AN EASY TASK._

_YOu ARE SuRELY ON A ROLL. WITH YOuR AMAZING CAPABILITIES. AND THE PRESuMED HELP OF YOuR FRIENDS. YOu WILL KILL THEM ALL IN NO TIME._

_> MOBSTER: BE INTERRuPTED AGAIN._

_THIS TIME. YOu DON'T ACTuALLY SEE THE GREEN GuY. YOu JuST LOOK AROuND. AND SEE. THAT YOuR HAT HAS BEEN STOLEN._

_INSTEAD. YOu ARE NOW WEARING. THE DEAD GuY'S HAT._

NO. I CAN'T. I'LL."

"Attempt to exit to the ocean again?"

"SHIT. YES. DAMMIT. uGH. WHY DO YOu HAVE. TO BE SO SMART."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: Since Homestuck isn't structured the way I want it to be, this "chapter" will actually have to be many chapters strung together. Anyway. Say it after me. As never...
> 
> Fake update count: 8


	5. Homosuck Again 2

"Though, I'll admit, being slow isn't that good of a power." Dave's brother argued.

"Why not? Imagine this. Planet's about to be destroyed. You know that civilization is going to end, and that it will take a long time to recover. So you hide in a bunker and activate the being slow power. Thousands of years of civilization development in a single moment." Hussie said. After years of writing Homestuck, now he was pretty good at determining precisely how an offhand detail could become relevant.

"What if anyone discovers you?"

"Hmm." Hussie thought, then answered: "Well, at least that's the beginning. I'll have to think about it more. Not for Homestuck, though, as it's now done."

"hussie, i have a question." John asked. "if being fast is an actual power, why didn't you use it and finish homestuck several months before?"

"Because I don't have that power. Anyway. Take it there, Caliborn."

"I'M NOT TAKING ANYTHING ANYWHERE." Caliborn immediately responded, not understanding the human metaphor.

"Read the story."

"OH. WELL. AHEM. SO TO SAY.

_> MOBSTER: THINK._

_AS A REAL CuNNING MONSTER. I MEAN MOBSTER. THINKING IS ONE OF YOuR. PRIMARY EXERCISES. THIS IS SuRELY ONE OF MANY GANGS YOu'VE BEEN FIGHTING._

_YOu THINK. THAT YOu NEED A BACKuP HAT._

_> MOBSTER: RETRIEVE HAT._

_YOu PULL OuT YOuR DECK OF CARDS._

_uNFORTuNATELY. IT IS JuST THAT. A DECK OF CARDS. IT WAS NEVER A STORAGE VAuLT. THAT WOuLD BE DuMB. LIKE MY SISTER._ "

"can yoU cUt it down with insUlting me!" Calliope shouted.

"HEY. IT ISN'T ME. IT'S THE STuPID WEBCOMIC."

"well, yoU are a homestUck character, right?"

"THAT WAS NEVER MY INTENT. TO PARTAKE IN THIS HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE STORY. I DIDN'T WRITE IT. TAKE IT uP WITH HuSSIE."

"That was never my intent." Hussie parroted at the sound of his name. "My characters are independent thoughts from me. Otherwise they all would be perfections, like me, and we already concluded this is not the case."

"Ugh. i hate yoU."

"See? If you were perfect, you would praise me, since I always think anything I do is the best."

"Listen, just stop arguing and get on with the story. Please?" Rose pleaded and Caliborn said: "WELL ALL FuCKING RIGHT.

_> MOBSTER: PLAY SOLITAIRE._

_YOu WOuLD NEED A DECK OF CARDS FOR THAT._

_ONCE AGAIN. uNFORTuNATELY. THE DECK OF CARDS IS NOWHERE TO BE FOuND. INSTEAD. YOuR SuPER SMART STORAGE BOX APPEARS._

_> MOBSTER: RETRIEVE HAT._

_YOu RETRIEVE THE HAT AND PuT IT ON YOu._

_HOWEVER. ON THE ACT OF PuTTING THE HAT ON YOu. YOu NOTICE SOMETHING. A COLD GREEN HAND ABOuT TO GRIP THE HAT._

_> MOBSTER: ACT FAST._

_YOu THINK OF A CARD._

_BECAuSE OF THIS SYSTEM. THE CARD IS A WEAPON. MORE SPECIFICALLY. A LANCE. WHICH SLICES THROuGH THE LEPRECHAuN'S TORSO. KILLING HIM._

_> MOBSTER: REVIEW HIT LIST._

_RIGHT NOW. YOuR COMRADES HAVE KILLED. THREE MORE LEPRECHAuNS._

_THuS. THE FINAL COuNT IS._

_5/15 GREEN TORSOS. DEAD._

_> EXCEPT THE TERMINOLOGY IS CONFuSED._

_ONE OF THE "GREEN TORSOS". ISN'T REALLY A LEPRECHAuN. AS THE REST._

_INSTEAD. SHE IS ANOTHER BEING. FROM YOuR FORMER SESSION. WHO YOu uSED TO HATE VERY MuCH._

_ALSO. SHE APPARENTLY IS AN uNIVERSE. SO IF YOu KILL HER. YOu DESTROY THE uNIVERSE. THuS KILLING HER. IS NOT THE LOGICAL THING TO DO. AND COuLD NEVER HAPPEN._

_> ELSEWHERE._

_THERE IS A CAVE-IN._

_THE uNIVERSE LADY. THuS IS KILLED._

_6/15 GREEN TORSOS. DEAD._ "

"dude thats not at all how it happened" Dave felt the need to interrupt. "last i remember the snowbitch was the only remaining felt"

"Snowman." Hussie corrected Dave.

"whatever / and slick got into some green mansion / where he met cueball guy / then snowbitch again / then they smooched / and cueball guy was like / no dude / you have to KILL her not KISS her / those are two different things and not to be confused / like they are ever confused / imagine con air / where the guy KISSED his friends and was jailed / and then KILLED his wife at the end"

"you're confusing something." John imposed.

"thats not the point / anyway so then hussie came / you did right"

"Absolutely." Hussie nodded.

"and he KILLED scratch / and then slick KILLED snowman / destroying the universe / and there was troll asian chick / er / manual or something"

"Handmaid."

"yeah that / what was the deal with handmaid"

"Killed by the Condesce."

"whos condesce"

"You know Betty Crocker?"

"Wait, so my childhood hero actually killed a person?" John's grandmother wondered.

"Ugh. Listen. I'd have to explain Homestuck to explain, and we don't have time for that."

"SPEAKING OF HOMOSuCK." Caliborn finally chimed in again. "IS IT A TEST? TO SEE. WHO IS THE FIRST. TO BE DRIVEN TO THE OCEAN. BECAuSE THEY COuLDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE."

"No. Why would I want to drive anyone out to the ocean? They wouldn't survive to recall the update."

"BLEH. ANYWAY. THE FASTER I READ. THE FASTER WE EXIT THIS JAM. RIGHT?

_> MOBSTER: HIT THE ROAD._

_SuDDENLY. YOu HEAR A NOISE. OF A CRuMBLE._

_THEN. YOu SEE SOMETHING OuT THE WINDOW. AND YOu REALIZE. THIS MEANS NO GOOD._

_YOu THuS TAKE OuT. A CONVENIENT SPACESHIP._

_uSING YOuR ALSO CONVENIENT. COMMuNICATIONS DEVICE. YOu TELL THE REST OF THE GANG. TO MEET YOu OuTSIDE._

_> MOBSTER: GO OuTSIDE._

_THERE. YOu MEET THE REST OF THE GANG._

_ON THE COuRSE. ONE MEMBER OF THE GANG SAYS. THAT HE BLEW uP THE uNIVERSE LADY. OR RATHER. THE GROuND BENEATH HER._

_YOu SAY. PERFECT. NOW ONLY TO ESCAPE._

_I SAY. THAT IS HORSESHIT. WHY WOuLD I BLOT OuT THE PESTERLOGS. ONLY TO HAVE THE DIALOGuE HERE._

_I SAY. THAT IS STuPID._

_YOu FOuR. STAY WITH YOuR MOuTHS SHuT. BECAuSE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE._

_> MOBSTERS: ESCAPE THE uNIVERSE._

_YOu (MOBSTERS) ESCAPE. JuST IN TIME. TO SEE THE SHATTERING uNIVERSE BEHIND YOu._

_YOu (YOu) THINK. THE VIEW IS QuITE AWE INSPIRING. IF TERRIFYING. WHAT WITH ALL THE GALAXIES. BEING BROKEN APART. YOu WILL FIND. THAT THIS MAKES. MuCH OF THE STORY'S "CHARM"._

_(GET IT. LIKE THE LEPRECHAuN QuADRANTS? THIS IS ALSO. THE KIND OF HuMOR THE STORY LIKES.)_

_15/15 GREEN TORSOS. DEAD._

_> END OF INTERMISSION._

THANK GOD. NO IRRELEVANT MOBSTERS ANYMORE."

"theyre not irrelevant" Dave chimed in once again.

"Yeah, I mean, they're formerly part of Sburb and I later get to bring up more and more Jack Noirs..." Hussie tried to explain, only to be interrupted.

"WHAT. THIS GUY HAS CLONES?"

"Four of them. In fact, you - I mean, you from this story - knows and is friends with one."

"I HAVE NO IDEA. THAT I WOuLD BECOME. FRIENDS WITH MY MORTAL ENEMY. TELL ME MORE."

"You bribed him to kill your sister."

"I." Caliborn was shocked. "THIS IS AWESOME. I THINK. THAT AFTER ME. JACK NOIR IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER."

"Spades Slick- wait nevermind. This iteration, that alternate you calls "mobster", is Spades Slick. All others are Jack Noir, but the fandom comes up with funny ways to say it. Alpha Jack, Uracil Jack - that's the one you make friends with..."

"WAIT. SO I'M FRIENDS WITH ONE JACK NOIR. AND WANT TO KILL ANOTHER?"

"Absolutely."

"THAT'S STuPID. THOuGH. I STILL LIKE uRACIL JACK. AT ANY RATE. LESS TALKING. MORE HOMOSuCK.

_THE_ _MOBSTER IS TO NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN. uNTIL SuDDENLY. NEAR THE END. HE BECOMES RELEVANT AGAIN. LIKE I MENTIONED. THAT IS ALSO. THE STORY'S "CHARM"._

_"CHARMS ARE THE MOST MEANINGLESS SHIT EVER. I CANNOT TAKE CHARMS SERIOuSLY. OR ANY OTHER ALIEN ROMANCE, FOR THAT MATTER. ONLY CHERuBIM CALIGINOuS RELATIONSHIPS MAKE SENSE."_

_\- CHERuB MARK TWAIN._

_ONCE AGAIN, ALL MY CHERuB CELEBRITY QuOTES HAVE BEEN RESEARCHED._

_AT ANY RATE. LET'S RETuRN TO THE ALPHA MALE. AND HIS RECKLESS TIME LOOPS._

_> ACT 3._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fake update count: 21


	6. Homosuck Again 3

" _ACT 3._

_THIS TIME ACTuALLY AN ACT. AND NOT AN. "INTERMISSION". IN FACT. LET'S VOW. TO NEVER HAVE INTERMISSIONS AGAIN. BECAuSE THEY WILL BE JuST ACTS. WITH A FANCY NAME. THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING._

_WE NOW FIND. THAT THE ALPHA MALE. NOW HAS ONLY TWO COPIES. ONE IS AS uSuAL. THE OTHER IS ORANGE. AND PART BIRD. THAT IS. ALPHA MALE'S "SPRITE". OR ALPHASPRITE. BECAUSE THE STORY LIKES CONFuSING NAMES._

_> ALPHASPRITE: DO SOMETHING BIRD._

_YOu CAW. THuS CONFIRMING. THAT YOu ARE INDEED A BIRD. AND NOT A COSPLAYER._

_ALPHA MALE. IS DISGuSTED. BY THE ANIMALISTIC BEHAVIOR._ "

"no im not" Dave interrupted the reading once again.

"WHO SAYS YOu'RE NOT."

"crows in my room / all the time / watching my every move / every time i got beat up by bro"

"OKAY. SO THE OTHER CALIBORN GOT IT WRONG. NOW LET'S MOVE FORWARD. AND TRY NOT TO BuG ME."

_> ALPHA MALE: VOICE YOUR DISGUST._

_HUMAN SORRY. BUT YOU ARE TOO "COOL". TO NOTICE IT._

_> ALPHA MALE: REVIEW YOuR TEAM._

_IT APPEARS. THAT ONE OF YOuR TRuSTY BITCHES HAS BEEN SLAIN._

_AS SuCH. THE ROSTER IS AS FOLLOWS. THERE ARE YOu. THERE IS THE ALPHASPRITE. THREE TRUSTY BITCHES REMAIN._

_AND uNFORTuNATELY. THE uNIMPORTANT BLuE MALE HAS STAYED WITH uS._ "

"alright, now i'm insulted too." John exclaimed.

"WE ALREADY DISCuSSED WITH HuSSIE. THAT YOu ARE A uSELESS SHIT STAIN. AS IS EVERYONE ELSE. BuT uS TWO."

"I never said that." Hussie was irritated at being misunderstood, but given Homestuck's immense fanbase he had learned how to deal with it. "I just said that besides me, no one is perfect. Everyone still has their own strengths that can make them a genuine character."

"OH REALLY. THEN WHAT IS MY ADVANTAGE."

"You are definitely confident and can achieve your goals."

"HuH."

"and mine / i mean / i keep being a pansy throughout homestuck / i must have no advantage at all" Dave also wanted to know what merit Hussie's proclamation had.

"Everything in the further acts. Now. Caliborn."

"OKAY."

"wait!" John noticed something. "i think i see me speaking. er. let me get closer." He thus leaned and read what was on the screen.

" _SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUP! wait, was that 8 u's?_ "

"welp / egderp is officially falling for vriska" Dave concluded.

"Who says it is not Aranea?" Hussie wondered.

"did you just really... once again, it is something in the update?"

Hussie didn't give any sort of response or pantomime. Instead, Caliborn shouted: "HELLO. WE'RE TRYING TO SLOG THROuGH THIS. AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

_> ALPHA MALE: GET REPORT._

_THE REPORT. IS AS FOLLOWS._

_THE ORIGINAL BLuE MALE HAS BEEN SLAIN._ "

" _i... what?_ "

" _THuS. YOu ARE THE ONLY PLAYER. OF THE SESSION._

_> NOW. HAVE SOME BACKSTORY._

_I MYSELF. WAS THE ONLY PLAYER OF MY SESSION. AND COMPuTER MAN. SAID THAT THuS. I MuST RECEIVE A PuNISHMENT. AS SuCH. MY SESSION WAS "DEAD". AND STuFF._

_SO. ONCE AGAIN. HuMAN SORRY. BuT THE ALPHA MALE. MuST RECEIVE HIS PuNISHMENT._

_> ME: INFLICT PuNISHMENT._

_NOW. I'M NOT GOING TO SWIPE YOuR LAND OFF YOuR FEET. THAT WOuLD LEAVE YOu FLOATING IN SPACE. WHICH WOuLD MAKE YOu DIE. DuE TO I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT._

_INSTEAD. I'LL DISPATCH MORE HOSTILE MOBS. FOR YOu TO FIGHT._

_> AH YES._

_THE TENSION. IS NOW ON._

_> ALPHA MALE: DEAL WITH THE TENSION._

_IN RESPONSE. TO THE RESuRGENCE OF MOBS. YOu DISPATCH. MORE OF YOuR TIME CLONES._

_YOu FEEL LIKE AN ARMY. HELL. YOu *ARE* AN ARMY._ "

"but i thought i gave up time travel" Dave still wasn't confident of himself.

"Because this isn't you. This is some alternate version of you."

"wait so / whats the difference / you created me / so me in story is exactly me here / but caliborn re-created me / and me there is NOT me here?"

"Suffice to say that Caliborn is a terrible visual artist."

"WHAT. I AM A BRILLIANT. "VISuAL ARTIST." YOu JuST HAVEN'T SEEN MY ART."

"Alright, Cali. I give you your chance. Draw art that can rival this story's art." Hussie minimized the MSPA window, turned on Photoshop and handed his tablet to Caliborn.

"WELL OKAY. HERE GOES. THE ALPHA MALE. OR. "DAVE STRIDER". DRAWN BY ME."

Caliborn thus began drawing. As he was drawing, the rest of the entourage left to Hussie's kitchen, which was perfect for him (stuffed with Toblerones, Betty Crocker products and Faygo), but terrible for everyone else. Hussie thus saw as almost no one else ate the food, and thus resolved to invade the nearest cruise ship the next day.  _I mean, no one's going to notice, right? Not exactly a lot of Homestuck fans stay on cruise ships._

Once he was done gorging himself, Hussie returned to the room with his computer, where he saw Caliborn highly satisfied. "AH YES. I HAVE FINISHED. MY "MASTERPIECE"."

"That..." Unfortunately, all Hussie - and any man with non-distorted vision - could see were a bunch of scribbles in varying shades of red. "CAN'T YOu SEE. HE'S WITH HIS GLASSES. AND TuXEDO. AND EVERYTHING."

"All I see are a bunch of lines. But maybe I'm just fucked up and my art is a bunch of lines, and fans mainly tag along because of my amazing writing skills. I'm going to get the rest of jury to judge this."

Hussie once again left for the kitchen. Once he returned, the rest of the company also returned. Because they were a bit hungry, they did eat some of Hussie's supplies, but not too much, so they didn't look like a stereotypical big eater. "Well. Look at this art that will surely put my own panels to shame."

"i see a bunch of lines." John was the first to respond.

"Does this even pass as art?" Rose followed.

"Sorry bro, but that doesn't resemble anything." Dave's brother said.

"i totally see stuff / let me look closer / i see youve tried to represent homestuck / as a clusterfuck that we can all agree it is"

"NO DuDE. THIS IS YOu. DID YOu EVER. LOOK AT A MIRROR?"

"nah / im too cool for mirrors man / i just use my iphone to snap selfies / wait / which iphone was the last / was it 5 or 5s / dammit apple / why did you have to make this hella confusing / i mean / imagine a store / you ask the cashier for the latest iphone / and he says / 5 or 5s / and then you decide / to fuck apple / and go for an android / except with android / its an even bigger clusterfuck / i cant begin naming all the companies that make androids / im just opting for / was it blueberry or something"

"BlackBerry." Dave's brother corrected him.

"and what the flippin hell is that / point is / i dont deal with smartphones man / so i instead point my nokia at myself / and bam / selfie / not only for me to look but also for my readers to enjoy / two stones killed with one bird"

"Dave, I think you should-" Rose wanted to intervene, but quickly realized it was futile as Dave continued:

"so anyway / i have the flippin selfie / thinking / oh man / this is so going to make the cover of cosmopolitan / but then / i delete it / forget how i look like / and go on with my life / not buyin any iphones or androids or blackberries"

"Dave, please stop." Hussie asked.

"until i see on the news / iphone 6 released / so at least this time i know / 6 is the newest one / it was released seconds ago / so i go back to the goddamn store / buy an iphone 6 / scoff at the cashier pointing at a 6s / return home / and throw it in the trashbin / because-"

"DAVE. YOu'RE FORGETTING THE MATTER AT HAND. HOMOSuCK. WE'RE READING HOMOSuCK."

"alright fine / just wanted to rant myself off" Dave finally stopped. Caliborn thus quickly turned on the MS Paint Adventures website again and looked at it. "DAMMIT. I FORGET. WHERE I WAS AT."

"About how Dave is an army."

"OKAY. WELL. GET SEATED. AND COMMENCE HOMOSuCK AGAIN."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fake update count: 29


	7. Homosuck Again 4

" _YOu FEEL LIKE AN ARMY. HELL. YOu *ARE* AN ARMY._

_AND EVEN THOuGH. AN ARMY IS AGAINST YOu. THE FORCES ARE EQuAL. AND THE FIGHT IS BOuND TO BE "EPIC"._

_> [S] FIGHT: GO ON._

_NORMALLY. THIS WOuLD BE A PAGE. WITH SOuND. TO MAKE THE FIGHT. EVEN MORE INTENSE. AND EPIC._

_BuT INSTEAD. THE uNIMPORTANT BLuE MALE. RuINS EVERYTHING. BY SHOuTING AT ME. SO I'VE BEEN FORCED. TO CuT SOuND OFF._

_INSTEAD. LET'S TALK ABOuT PAGES WITH SOuND. IN MORE DETAIL._

_ORIGINALLY. THE PuRPOSE OF PAGES WITH SOuND. WAS TO SHOW OFF. "HEY LOOK. THIS "COMIC" HAS SOuND IN IT. THAT MAKES IT SuPER COOL, RIGHT?" NO. IT JuST MAKES IT. NOT A COMIC ANYMORE._

_THEN. SOuND WAS REPuRPOSED. TO ADD ATMOSPHERE. AS HERE. AND MAKE THE FIGHTS MORE EPIC. AND DISCOVERIES MORE SHOCKING. AND THOSE THINGS. uNFORTuNATELY. ATMOSPHERE KEPT ESCALATING. AND AS THE STORY GREW IN LENGTH. SOuND MEANT LESS AND LESS. AND WASN'T uSED IN PLACES WHERE IT SHOuLD HAVE BEEN. BECAuSE OF THE SO-CALLED "ABRIDGEMENT"._

_SO FINALLY. THE THIRD PuRPOSE OF SOuND. WAS TO ANNOY PEOPLE. THAT'S RIGHT. COMPuTER GuY PLAYED A SONG ON ME. INSISTING THAT I CAN'T KEEP DOWN THE CLOWN. SO I SHuT THE SOuND OFF. AND TO THIS DAY IT REMAINS OFF._

_OH. AND NOTICE THE LINK ABOVE? SAYING "DuMB NOISE." THAT'S A FOuRTH PuRPOSE OF SOuND. TO MAKE MONEY. PACKAGE SONGS THAT WERE uSED AS SOuND. AND THOSE THAT WEREN'T. AND SELL THEM. SAYING "OH, LOOK, HERE ARE THE SONGS THAT WERE uSED." WHILE FORGETTING. THAT THERE WERE ALSO SONGS THAT WEREN'T uSED. WHICH MAKES THE ENTIRE COMPOuND WORTHLESS. WORTHLESS, I SAY._

_ALRIGHT. BY THIS TIME. ALPHA MALE SuRELY MuST BE DONE._

_> ME: OBSERVE ALPHA MALE._

_NOPE. THAT MEANS MORE TALKING._

_ABOuT THINGS LIKE COMMANDS. NOTICE HOW THESE COMMANDS ARE GIVEN TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. ORIGINAL MALE. ALPHA MALE. ALPHASPRITE. ME. EVEN THINGS THAT AREN'T ALIVE. LIKE THE FIGHT. IT'S ALMOST AS IF. I COULD TYPE ANYTHING. LIKE " SGADHJDASLSHDH: SKDGSFHSALFHDLS". AND THAT WOuLD PARSE. AS A LEGITIMATE COMMAND. IN FACT. LET'S DO EXACTLY THAT._

_ONLY AFTER ALPHA MALE IS DONE FIGHTING THOuGH._

_> ME: OBSERVE ALPHA MALE._

_THIS TIME. THE ALPHA MALE. IS DONE._

_AS WELL AS THAT. NOW ONLY TWO TRuSTY BITCHES REMAIN. DON'T WORRY. I BE PASSING OuT BITCHES. LIKE HuMAN CHEAP CIGARS._

_AS WELL AS THAT OTHER THAT. THE uNIMPORTANT BLuE MALE. HAS FINALLY VANISHED. FROM MY PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SO THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT._

_ALSO NOTICE. HOW THE COMMAND IS EXACTLY THE SAME. "ME: OBSERVE ALPHA MALE." YET THE RESuLT IS RADICALLY DIFFERENT._

_ALRIGHT. HERE COMES NOTHING._

_> SGADHJDASLSHDH: SKDGSFHSALFHDLS._

_IT APPEARS. THAT HOMOSuCK IS PARSING THE COMMAND._

_> ME: WAIT._

_WHILE WAITING. YOu. (THAT IS ME.) PICK uP THE MANGA BOOK. HOPEFuLLY. YOu CAN EMuLATE ITS STYLE. FOR THE NEXT uPDATES. TO SHOW OFF._

_> ME: READ._

_WAIT. IT APPEARS. HOMOSuCK IS REACTING._

_> ME: OBSERVE._

_"HOMOSuCK HAS CRASHED."_

_HuH._

_WELL. THAT MEANS END OF ACT 3. AND END OF MY STORY'S "TEMPORARY INFLuENCE". NOW FAREWELL. AND MAY YOu NOT BE KILLED. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE STORY. AS YOu READ. THROuGH THIS HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE INTERMISSION._

_tumut_

_> [S] ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 3_"

"Well, looks like your story is over. But before that, discussion. What does everyone think about this really groundbreaking act?" Hussie asked. He needed the most recently finished act to burrow deeply into his readers' minds, so that they could remember it and pass it on to the rest of Tumblr.

"i think i want to sleep." John was the first to respond.

"yeah / youd better have not swiped us from the middle of the night..." Jade continued.

"WELP. HuSSIE OFFICIALLY MAKES NEGATIVE SENSE."

"Don't diss my brand of logic so quickly." Hussie snapped.

"I think Rose's mother is one wonderful person!" John's grandmother said.

"I can see." Hussie laughed weirdly. He had known that Jane and Roxy were definitely a couple, but to see one of them as a young adult and the other as someone who has seen both world wars and still have them get along was a bit weird.

"So? Anyone? Did it suck? Did it rule?" Hussie asked once again, only to see that some people had actually fallen asleep.

"SEE. HOMOSuCK IS SO BORING. EVEN THROuGH MY WONDERFuL GIFT OF SATIRE. THAT YOu PuT PEOPLE TO SLEEP."

"And you will wake them up by shouting."

"dude / were napping / please be silent" Dave briefly awoke from his sleep, only to become unresponsive again. Hussie and Caliborn thus went to the hallway, where they would be more distant from everyone, while the other nine slowly, one by one, fell asleep.

"So. You're the only one left here awake."

"I THINK. THAT IN SOME PARTS IT WAS COOL. BuT I WOuLD NEVER TAKE ON HOMOSuCK. ALL BY MYSELF."

"Mm-hmm. Though, note that now Homestuck is finished, and you and your friends won't be getting any more adventures."

"FOR THE BETTER. NOW. IF YOU EXCUSE ME. I ALSO WANT TO HUMAN SLEEP. BUT NOT WITH IDIOTS."

"It's okay." Hussie lied. It was not at all okay. His house wasn't designed to hold eleven people at all. The best Hussie could do is lay down Caliborn at the hallway and give him winter clothes for cover.

Once he was sure everyone else was asleep, Hussie floated onto the roof of his house and took a look at the nightly ocean. Seeing as the cruise ship market had exploded, finding a cruise ship wouldn't be that difficult.

What would definitely not pass, though, is the other people seeing a floating house.

Hussie was now alone with his thoughts. Since his sleep schedule was never that good at all, he didn't feel sleepy, and instead thought about just about anything he could. His guests. The update. His friends who remained on the land at TopatoCo and What Pumpkin. The global Homestuck community.

And, be it through luck, Dante Basco called Hussie. In California, where Basco lived, it wasn't nearly as late, so it wasn't for him to be up at this time. "Hussie. You won't believe what."

"Yes, Dante?"

"Today is the day. Today I finally read the last update of Homestuck."

"The last update... that is so wrong. I haven't even published it yet. I am still reading it with my troupe."

" _Nooooo_. The one with the Condesce shouting at some people."

"Oh, the one before the Gigapause started. That takes me so far back. Anyway. Keep being awesome, and remember I'll always be there for you, even though it might appear that I'm laughing at you behind your back. Cheers and bye."

"Goodbye."

Basco thus hung up, leaving Hussie, again, all alone. He thus finally descended to his bedroom, undressed and lay down in bed, hoping to fall asleep soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fake update count: 37


	8. The Millipause

The cruise ship that was otherwise like all cruise ships didn't have much to expect when a godlike person had descended onto the deck, followed by ten more people, two of them aliens. As Hussie had predicted, no Homestuck fans were aboard and no one recognized Hussie or the other visitors.

Likewise, none of the visitors had ever been on a cruise ship. Caliborn, as could have been expected, was the least pleased with the experience, just wanting to get back to his and Calliope's home by the Statue of Liberty and spend life as usual. He confronted all the passengers with a stern figure and, when approached, a middle finger and something along the lines of "NO. FuCK OFF."

As the newcomers passed the outside and entered the deck, also not much not to be expected happened. The cruise ship turned out to be an entire floating city with its own businesses. Being the rich dude with the merchandise money he is, Hussie made a welcoming gesture and went to the shops to get shopped. People were wondering why the leader had no eyes, but no one knew he was Hussie.

But they did suspect something once Hussie claimed that "No, I'm not going on a cruise anywhere." Their response was "Then why are you on the ship?" and thus Hussie realized people were on to him. Without saying a single word, he escaped the joint with the other people (Calliope and Caliborn had gotten the most attention) and went back to his house.

"Well, for now gorge yourself. You tell me when you want to start Homestuck again."

"NEVER." Caliborn came out. He and Hussie were the only people who didn't take any spoils from the cruise ship, instead staying at the room where Homestuck was shown.

"Oh, don't be a party pooper for all, 'Born. Be at least respectful to your sister."

"THIS IS NOT A PARTY. AND MY SISTER. IS THE LAST PERSON I'D BE RESPECTFuL TO."

"My apologies for using the incorrect metaphor. Say, who would you be respectful to?"

"NO ONE."

"Oh, this is bad. I should have created you with a special one. Wouldn't that be a good weakness for you? Bec Noir's got Jade, who essentially tamed him when they were on the verge of losing, but you... you had to be defeated in other ways."

"LISTEN. YOu DID NOT CREATE ME. I WAS BORN AS EVERYONE ELSE WAS."

"whats going on" Dave marched in, biting on Doritos. Caliborn immediately shouted "ANDREW HuSSIE IS BEING AN ASSHOLE."

"hussies an asshole / last i checked you were an asshole"

"AND YOu'RE A COWARD. YOu ADMITTED IT YOuRSELF."

"damn / sick burn there calibro / should i say calibron / nah too ugly / anyway / im a coward IN HOMESTUCK / overall im pretty cool"

"SuRE. AND ANDREW OWNS A CHOCOLATE FACTORY."

"I... Caliborn, your burns are really sick, I have to admit. I never thought of this party like Willy Wonka's tour."

"IT'S NOT A PARTY. IT'S A WHOLE BuNCH OF PEOPLE STuCK IN THE OCEAN ARGuING. SAY, HuSSIE. IF WE SIFT THROuGH HOMOSuCK AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. WILL WE BE DONE BEFORE THE END OF THE DAY?"

"We'll be at this long enough for you to stop complaining." Hussie thought to himself:  _Please let this burn be sick, please let this burn be sick..._

"NO. I REFuSE TO BE ALTERED. BY THIS IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE."

"Believe me, you will be altered. Though, it's kind of a pity we'll have to read Homestuck again from the beginning simply because you hadn't read it before."

"WHAT."

"Just you and me. In the ocean. Reading Homestuck."

"LISTEN. YOu'RE WASTING EVERYONE'S PRECIOuS TIME. LET'S MOVE ALONG. HuMAN PLEASE."

"Well, human alright. Let's proceed in the most human way possible. Everyone! Come here!"

Surely enough, the rest of the party followed. Though, John's grandma and Rose's mother were sharing a Betty Crocker cake with wine.

"The two will never be separated." Hussie thought and turned on his computer again. He quickly sifted through the files, finally finding the local version of the MS Paint Adventures website, and then, searching its logs, found the one reading "[S] ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 3".

"Before we start, though - Let's share our impressions. Last time we all went to sleep before we could. What's your experience of the last act?"

"calishits an asshole / again"

"Agreed." Dave was in agreement with his brother.

"Say can we read the actual homestuck? This is really not what children of the world like." Jade's grandfather insisted.

"Listen, I don't really have the time to read everything of Homestuck. When you're back, every update will be on mspaintadventures. com. Understood?"

"Understood." Jade's grandfather said and Hussie continued. "So? Opinions?"

"YOu'RE AN ASSHOLE."

"Dammit, we already had this one. Anything different?"

"YOu'RE A BASTARD."

"Er..."

"THE VERSION OF HOMOSuCK THAT YOu WROTE IS SHIT."

"I... think you mean it sucks."

"YEAH. THAT." Caliborn paused and continued. "HEY. SINCE THE JADE HuMAN'S GRANDFATHER IS ALSO NOT CAuGHT uP. WHEN WE READ HOMESTuCK FROM THE BEGINNING AGAIN. CAN WE READ IT WITH HIM?"

"Well the man says you will be altered so im fine with it. As long as the altering includes you not shouting anymore."

"Sure. Anyway. Brace yourselves for the flash update." Hussie said and quickly clicked the Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 3 link.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fake update count: still at 37


	9. Announcement

_Author's idiotisms: Well, that is that. The story won't be receiving any more updates. I had some ideas on what would happen at the beginning of Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 3 - namely, John would appear behind the Condesce, while only heartbeats could be heard - but then Hussie came out with his news announcement. Now, I'm not mad that he took a different route from this fic - he was bound to; after all, he doesn't have authorial powers in real life, the Homestuck characters don't actually exist, and a bajillion other things - but his news definitely mean that we'll be receiving the update sooner than expected and not all in one piece, which goes against the very premise of the fanfic._

_What did I hate about the story? Re-reading it as of now, it just reads almost the same as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Let's see:_

_Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 2005:_ "Well, you do seem confident, and confidence is key."

_Andrew Hussie, this story:_ "You are definitely confident and can achieve your goals."

_Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 2005:_ hinting on Mrs. Beauregarde/Mr. Salt romance

_This story:_ hinting on B1 Jane/Roxy ("Cotton Candy") romance (I'm not that much of a shipper, but I just wanted to throw that one in)

_And in the last chapter, I outright call out on the parody:  
_

"SuRE. AND ANDREW OWNS A CHOCOLATE FACTORY."

"I... Caliborn, your burns are really sick, I have to admit. I never thought of this party like Willy Wonka's tour."

_It's becoming obvious that since I have to write the fake update_ AND _the reactions,_ WHILE _writing other Charlie and the Chocolate Factory stories, my imagination runs dry pretty fast._

_What did I love about the story? The idea, embodied from the chapter "Homosuck Again" on: Homestuck characters (plus Hussie), reading and reacting to Homestuck. Therefore, it is very likely that I will reboot this story: the same cast (B1 kids and their guardians, Calliope, Caliborn and Hussie) and the same AU _(John's grandma and Jade's grandpa are still alive, Hussie has authorial powers in real life),_ but now the eleven will read Homestuck from the beginning. There will be buildup as all the characters come to either love or hate Homestuck, and I will likely focus on each of the "kids" (John, Jade, Rose, Dave, Calliope) more, rather than Hussie and the Homestuck fandom (compare the book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: there is some story about Wonka and the reactions of the media to his announcement of the tour, as well as some expositions of the naughty kids, but it's mostly about Charlie)._

_Comments and suggestions are welcome. Though, note that once the update actually comes, I won't be reading it (I run a translation of Homestuck, which I also like to think of as some sort of a re-read, and I would rather be caught up with the re-read before I read the update), so no spoilers, please. Once the discussion between us reaches that point, that is._

_Hope to see you in the second incarnation of the story. I haven't come up with a definitive name, but I can pretty damn sure tell it won't be Calliope and the Final Update v2. Either way, it's going to happen, most likely, since I liked that premise.  
_

_Cheers._

_\- ASBusinessMagnet_

_2014 02 03 - 2014 09 28_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can check out Calliope and the Final Update v2 (actually it's named [Calliope's Update Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2382974/chapters/5264753)) now.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Calliope's Update Girl - Book One](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2382974) by [ASBusinessMagnet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/pseuds/ASBusinessMagnet)




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